article 10.03

When we moved to our new neighborhood in December, we knew we were going to have problems with the strict association rules for our "community". Really, we should have known better just by the word "community"... what happened to the good old fashioned word "neighborhood"? Not trendy enough? Not fancy enough? I know... neighborhood evokes the thoughts of families on front lawns and kids playing in the street, while community means a service to handle your front lawn and a security guard driving around the streets.

Our first citation arrived within a month of moving in to our home. We were actually kind of amused - we knew we were going to get letters, and our suspicion was proven true quite quickly. To avoid a reputation on the most wanted list of outlaws in suburbia, we remedied our mistake promptly. Scout climbed up the ladder and painted our satellite dish to match the color of the gutters. Yes, that was the violation: the satellite dish must match the gutters. Not the house - that would be tacky. We covered up that horribly offensive shade of light grey and erased all reference to DIRECTV, lest anyone know which brand of satellite service we have at our house. Might bring down home values in the area.

Here is a summary of the ensuing notices:

April 19, 2007

Dear Homeowners,

Thank you for the recent submittal of your backyard shade trellis plan. The Committee approved your plan with the following conditions:

• Shade structure must be painted to match your house wall color.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
The Stepford Association

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May 31, 2007

Dear Homeowners,

In our ongoing effort to uphold the standards of the community, Association representatives routinely patrol the community to identify potential violations of these restrictions. During a routine patrol (coincidentally right after you submitted plans), a representative observed the following at your residence:

• A pot farm
• Babies held dangling out a third story window
• Dog fighting in the backyard
• White shade structure installed in the backyard without approval. Please paint to match the color of your exterior wall.

Can't you people read and follow instructions? We already sent you a letter about this extremely urgent matter!

Sincerely,
The Stepford Association

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July 2, 2007

Dear Homeowners,

Don't you check your mail? We have sent two notices informing you of your violation of Article 10.03.

Do you have any idea how you are impacting those around you by having that white shade structure in your backyard? Every day when the security guard turns around on your dead end street, he is offended by the gleaming white color of your shade structure. He is now out on disability undergoing psychiatric treatment.

Failure to correct or respond to this alleged violation may result in a written complaint filed with the President of the United States. This is your final notice before we will issue a fine for noncompliance.

Sincerely,
The Stepford Association

____________

August 13, 2007

Dear Homeowners,

Thank you for painting your shade structure, but the entire structure needs to be painted the exterior wall color, not just the lame-ass paint job you did by painting the section that we can see from the street. If someone were to jump the fence to your property, we need to ensure that the aesthetics of your entire shade structure will be in accordance with our color palette as they trespass on your property.

This is your final notice (for real this time) before we will issue a fine for noncompliance.

Sincerely,
The Stepford Association

____________

Fine, fine, fine! We will paint our stupid shade structure. Even though all the other houses in the neighborhood have white shade structures. But you can't see theirs from the street, noooooooooo.... just from the running trails that are located throughout our "community". I am sure that the amount of people driving on our dead end street is much higher than the amount of people using the running trails, so I can understand why you singled us out from the hundreds of other houses.

We have now purchased a paint sprayer, and many cans of beige paint to cover up the ill-fated white color on our shade structure. Don't worry, soon all will be beige again, and the Stepford Association can move on to more important issues, like world peace ensuring that no potted plant in the front yard is more than 4 feet high.