the end is near...

The end of my pregnancy is near... not "here"... I didn't say "here", people, so just settle down. Believe me, we will let you all know when the baby is here. :) We are at T minus plus one day, and for the record, I would like to nominate "due dates" as one of the dumbest things ever. The only thing it has been good for is acting as a date by which I could start my "pregnancy leave" from work. Other than that, fake deadlines that really have no bearing on actual delivery dates are just dumb. But whatever, I am "one day overdue" on the imaginary deadline. Which he missed - I don't know if we had a miscommunication, or he just wasn't ready to present, but this is definitely showing up in his performance review for this year. Ha!

Since I am almost at the end of my pregnancy, let me share a few things that I will miss about being pregnant, and a few things that I miss about NOT being pregnant... we'll go in reverse order...

Things I miss about not being pregnant, and am excited for upon said deadline...

• BEER: seriously, I have been thinking about beer for months. No, O'Douls is not the same. Yes, I have tried.
• seeing my feet (for 2 reasons): 1. to actually be able to see down to my feet - honestly, it is very strange tripping over things cause I can't see them. 2. that my ankles will be revealed beneath the current sausage casings surrounding them.
• beer (I already said that, huh?)
• not having to answer the questions: September 7th, boy, no name (yes, we have a name, but honestly, it is just easier to not have the conversation with people... plus, we aren't telling people, so why should the lady at the grocery store know the name if we aren't telling our family?)... yeah, I'll probably have to answer questions about the baby, but at least that will be a little variety (until I get tired of that after a month). ;)
• having people comment on my weight/size all the time... or the worst: "really? you're NOT having twins? are you SURE?"
• beer... nuff said

Things I will miss about being pregnant...

• having a legitimate excuse to nap at 2pm
• unlimited ice cream (which I suppose I could continue, but it will be a bit difficult without the next item)...
• elastic pants - seriously, these things are comfy! I am so showing up at Thanksgiving with maternity pants this year.
• the excitement and anticipation
• having the lil dude all to myself... yes, I want him to come out, and to meet him face to face, but then I'll have to share him with the rest of the world

Until then... I'll keep twiddling my thumbs, answering phone calls and emails with the requisite: "Nope, no baby yet".

ejection authorization

Lil Dude -

Since we have reached September, you are now authorized to eject any time you want. Nothing against August (your dad's bday, our wedding anniversary, auntie's bday), but I really wanted you to have a nine-something-nine birthday. You know, cause that sort of thing matters in life. Riiiiight.

If you really want to hit the jackpot, give it a few days and shoot for nine-nine-nine. Super cool - all the chicks will dig you because of your catchy birth date. All you have to do is pull that ejection cord (I know there is a cord in there with you... umbili-something they call it, but since I am not a doctor, I imagine it has something to do with parachuting out of there?) and out you'll come.

Thanks,
the Management

procrastination

As my college roommate can attest to, I am a master procrastinator. Yes, I am also a master planner, but that is for things I WANT to do. When it comes to the things I HAVE to do, I can come up with any number of excuses to postpone. Which is why, 3 and a half weeks into my "pregnancy disability" leave, I still had not completed traffic school. Yes, even with the impending birth of my child that would leave me no time to finish traffic school, and nothing else to do, I chose to park my rear on the couch and watch four thousand episodes of "designed to sell" and "house hunters" and "property virgins". I Just.Can't.Stop. Scout asked me if I was planning on moving while he was at work one day - he was getting concerned about my interest in house selling and purchasing. I can only imagine what he was thinking when he actually SAW me watching them, and I'm yelling at the people like it's the bottom of the ninth and they are down by a run... "You people are crazy - you aren't going to buy that house because it doesn't have stainless steel appliances? You don't like the paint color? REPAINT IT!"... Ahem, excuse me. Sorry, I get a little carried away watching home shows. See? I am even procrastinating WRITING about my task of traffic school. Moving on...

I think we all know that I got a speeding ticket recently. To avoid getting points on my pristine record, I opted for traffic school. Which, last time I took it (12 years ago), was in a dingy room somewhere in Virginia for 8 hours that felt like 8 days. God bless the advent of the internet. MUCH more pleasant experience this time... 49 minutes total, including interjections of emails, yelling at Scout about how stupid the questions are, and of course, taking notes for this post.

After registering for the course (twenty dollars), I was informed that it would be 5 chapters, with a quiz at the end of each chapter. Passing grade for each quiz was 80%. The reading material for each chapter was 4 pages long, with much scrolling down on each page. I browsed the material, then decided to just click through the pages, try the quiz, and see how I did.

Quiz 1: 70%.... so close
try again
Quiz 1: 70%... arghhhhh
copy/paste results into a word doc so I can reference the ones I got wrong, and not pick that same option again (narrowing my guessing to 1 out of 3, instead of 1 out of 4)
Quiz 1: 80%... YAY!

Here are some of the dumbest things from chapter 1:

• "In a recent study conducted it was found that 40 hours are spent in traffic that is NOT moving in 1/3 of US cities." Now, I can only IMAGINE how much money was spent on this study, and it makes me want to cry. 'Cause that statistic... MAKES NO SENSE. It has no time qualifier - is it 40 hours PER WEEK, PER MONTH, PER YEAR? Also, it had no point. Just that statement.
• "In a study recently, the average driver would rather spend money on public transit than on: a) new cars, b) roads, c) bridges, or d) private investments." As I was yelling to Scout in the other room about how I was coming up short in passing the quiz by 1 question, he retorted, "well, maybe you aren't as good a driver as you think you are". But I'm not sure how this question has ANYTHING to do with my driving skills.

For Chapter 2, I did a quick peruse (by "peruse", I really mean: glanced at the top portion of the first page), and scrolled down page 3. No method to the madness. I did note that they used a Wikepedia reference, and had pictures of a dude on a bike using hand signals. Which I still don't know what they mean. I prefer the method of: point in the direction you are turning when you are on a bike. All that studying led to me passing (80%) on the first try at the quiz.

I got cocky on the third chapter. Didn't even look at the title. Just clicked through to the quiz. Where I got a 40%. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. So I did. 100%.

For the fourth and fifth chapter, I also used the "no read" approach, and passed each on the first try with an 80% score, and only taking 2 minutes per chapter. Great use of my time!

I thought I was done, but there was more... a FINAL EXAM! I don't remember reading anything about a final exam (but then again, I didn't really read much at all, so it was probably there). Fortunately, it had almost all the same questions as on the chapter quizzes, and I passed on the first try with an 88%. Woo-hoo! So, my license remains pure, and I just have to drive nicely for the next 18 months, cause apparantly you can't do this every time you get a ticket (and honestly, if I learned anything from this online class, it is how long you have to wait between "get out of jail free" cards).

Now I am free to have this baby... or, um, watch more TV. Off I go...